The Girl Who Learned To Kneel

Goldberg: Fraud Artist

“Listen, Laser,” Goldberg says firmly. “If you’re going to keep fainting, we’re not going to get anywhere.”

Laser can’t help but agree. She nods and forces herself into a seated position.

Shitballs! Why is she trying to accommodate her captor? She has always been ‘way too nice. More for her therapist. How long has she been lying on this couch anyway? She looks around for a clock, but all she sees is an assortment of duck art, and mantra after mantra written in different fonts. She hears Kyle’s mockery echoing, “self-help crap!”…but she can’t help but be inspired. The easiest moment IS now. That’s true. And, the infamous question: “What do I need to do to call my life a success?” Yes! She is plagued by that same question.

“So, I’m thinking you should join my team,” she hears Goldberg say. She seems to have noted Laser’s interest in the slogans. “I’m thinking you have what it takes. What do YOU think, Laser?

Before Laser can even digest the proposition, Goldberg has pulled out a binder.

“My life’s work,” she says gravely, stroking the binder with her large hands. “I always start with the rules.”

Always? Laser is confused. Is she being initiated into some sort of…cult? She has to fight the urge to faint again. It’s starting to feel good, the sudden escape from uncomfortable reality. Why hasn’t she employed this technique before. It would be so effective with her doosh bag husband. “Fuck you, Kyle,” followed by a dramatic fall to the floor. Kyle would be overwhelmed by remorse, and soothe her head wounds with soft kisses.

Gross!

“Rule number one: Never get caught! Right?” Goldberg breaks into a howl, “Right, Laser? Right? I think you’re going to catch on real quick.” She slaps Laser’s thigh with a sort of…glee.

Laser nods again.

Shitballs! What is her problem? Can’t she act even a little tough? Consider playing hard to get?

“And by the way, Laser-Bean, I didn’t choose you. Your credit card receipt found me when I was sorting through your dumpster. You should be more careful, you know! But now that you’re here…I’m thinking you’re just right. And the belly’s a nice touch.” Goldberg breaks into another howl.

For some reason Goldberg’s admission comes as a blow. Laser was not specifically targeted. She was not intentionally defrauded. It was a random act of thievery. Indiscriminate criminality. Unplanned. A haphazard choice. She is deflated.

Somehow being chosen had felt kind of good.