The Girl Who Learned To Kneel

Dear Elsie,

Okay, Daddy is trying once again to get a visa. This time he is carrying his framed bachelor’s degree diploma as proof that he has the qualifications to be working on a PhD. A photocopy was not sufficient. Since I spent ‘good money’ on that framing job, I’m hoping he guards the corners (though it’s not really the time to be picky—even I can see that). Just our luck and immigration will decide to cut the diploma out of the frame in order to get a closer look. Um…what has our world come to?

Daddy is very stressed, so we’ll take a moment to think of him.

By the way, did you like Apaca picture, Kitten? Here’s llama installment number two.

We’re breathing in peace and releasing out stress, as Daddy instructed. We are focusing on the llama.

Taking another moment to remember Daddy…and the corners of his diploma.

We are preparing to get back on a plane ourselves. This time Mama won’t be taking a shitload of salad and cabbage. I made a grave error on the way to Toronto, Kitten. You remember. I packed two equal tupperware portions of all the left–over vegetables in our fridge (’cause it’s oh so satisfying to use every last drop of food!), which happened to be a shitload of lettuce and cabbage…and a bit of zucchini. One portion for Daddy. One portion for Mama.

Jump ahead many hours and see Mama munching away and chatting with plane neighbor to the right, all pleased with her forethought. But after a while, she begins to…um…fart. Like nobody’s business. Fortunately, neighbor to the right is asleep. Unfortunately, neighbor to the left (who also happens to be a cool actor from one of the biggest agencies in LA—the script he is reading reveals all) is not. Mr. Cool is wide awake and perturbed. He keeps gesturing to his skinny LA girlfriend and waving his hand in front of his nose. Apparently Mr. Cool is not one to engage in natural bodily functions. Apparently Mr. Cool has never expelled FARTS in public, let alone within the confines of a cramped, stuffy plane. Well goody for Mr. Cool. Preggo Mama is not so hearty. Her fragile digestive system is pleading.

And so is Elsie. “For the love of God, man. Have mercy on the preggo Mama!”

You cries fell on deaf ears, Kitten. But Mama heard you. We maintained our dignity as a team.

Love love, Mama